Highs and Lows and Internal Conflicts

So I am sitting here on my 30th birthday and it’s some time after 4.30 AM.  It’s been 2.50 AM starts for the last few days now, but stuffed up sleeping patterns are the norm-I haven’t slept well for years.  I will get some Melatonan to see if it will help-I am sick of this.  That’s the trouble when your body doesn’t produce Melatonan naturally because it’s all to do with daylight getting to the retinas etc-mine are caught up somewhere in the mass of scar tissue inside my eyes.  I had a scan of my eyes a couple of years ago and because of the damage caused by being given too much oxygen during an operation, they couldn’t really make out many of the structures inside them.  Anyway enough about that.

I feel very blessed to be Ella’s Mum-she has given me more than anyone will ever know, and a joy that at some points of my life, I wasn’t sure I would experience.

Let’s just put this out there-being a non-sighted Mum isn’t easy.  I hate admitting that sometimes because you get that little voice in your head that says “See, I told you so”.  There are some days where there seems to be an obstacle at every turn; feeding solids is the big frustration at the moment.  I am looking forward to feeding her more of what we eat which is slowly happening.  The jars are great, but not if you can’t see how much is left in the bowl and you leave quite a lot, or she ends up wearing most of it on her bib.  I use my left hand to find Ella’s mouth and then my right hand follows up with the spoon.  I only just started feeding her solids myself about a month ago.

I think the biggest frustration of all though (and I don’t know why I thought it would be different with having a baby, because it’s been this way all my life), is how long it takes me to learn and do things.  Most sighted Mums are doing stuff like feeding solids or taking their babies out on their own, long before I have.  I have done both of these things now, though it has taken me 7-8 months to do it.

Anyway, I had better go and get ready for the day.

Life After Yannie

So after my last post, where I ranted about what’s the point in having a guide dog if I had to take her and the baby out separately, I made the difficult decision to retire Yannie.  She was my guide dog for six years, and is now officially retired, and I have her guide dog medallion as a momento.  I said goodbye to her this Thursday just gone.  It was a tearful goodbye, but I know I did the right thing for her.  Yannie will get a lot more walks than I could give her and she will be happy in her new home, wherever that may be (I haven’t heard yet).  I keep looking for her.  I will be 30 at the end of this month, and I have had guide dogs for half my life almost (I realised that the other day).

So what will life look like without Yannie?  Well it’s back to the cane for the next few years, until I am ready to go on the waiting list for another guide dog.  The instructor said it will take them at least a year to find a suitable match for me.  I will apply when Ella is up and walking.  Hello white cane, I have to get used to taking you out again.  Yes you take less looking after than a guide dog, and I have to keep my cane skills up if I want to get another guide dog, but it is quite stressful when you are relying on yourself, and a white cane to keep you safe.  Oh well I will cope, just as I do with every situation in my life past and present.