Highs and Lows and Internal Conflicts

So I am sitting here on my 30th birthday and it’s some time after 4.30 AM.  It’s been 2.50 AM starts for the last few days now, but stuffed up sleeping patterns are the norm-I haven’t slept well for years.  I will get some Melatonan to see if it will help-I am sick of this.  That’s the trouble when your body doesn’t produce Melatonan naturally because it’s all to do with daylight getting to the retinas etc-mine are caught up somewhere in the mass of scar tissue inside my eyes.  I had a scan of my eyes a couple of years ago and because of the damage caused by being given too much oxygen during an operation, they couldn’t really make out many of the structures inside them.  Anyway enough about that.

I feel very blessed to be Ella’s Mum-she has given me more than anyone will ever know, and a joy that at some points of my life, I wasn’t sure I would experience.

Let’s just put this out there-being a non-sighted Mum isn’t easy.  I hate admitting that sometimes because you get that little voice in your head that says “See, I told you so”.  There are some days where there seems to be an obstacle at every turn; feeding solids is the big frustration at the moment.  I am looking forward to feeding her more of what we eat which is slowly happening.  The jars are great, but not if you can’t see how much is left in the bowl and you leave quite a lot, or she ends up wearing most of it on her bib.  I use my left hand to find Ella’s mouth and then my right hand follows up with the spoon.  I only just started feeding her solids myself about a month ago.

I think the biggest frustration of all though (and I don’t know why I thought it would be different with having a baby, because it’s been this way all my life), is how long it takes me to learn and do things.  Most sighted Mums are doing stuff like feeding solids or taking their babies out on their own, long before I have.  I have done both of these things now, though it has taken me 7-8 months to do it.

Anyway, I had better go and get ready for the day.

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